Being honest with myself

I recently took the Deutsche Sprachprüfung für den Hochschulzugang (DSH) as a prerequisite for admission to a German university. I had already been accepted by the master’s program, but I needed to show an upper intermediate level of German understanding to become officially enrolled. I didn’t pass.

I have spent almost the past two years anticipating this test. I prepared the best I could by taking a German course at a university back in Texas, and studied by myself with practice exams during the months leading up to the test. But the exam was even more difficult than I was prepared for. I sent a text to my bf during one of our breaks after I realized that I didn’t know what I was doing, and that I had failed before I even finished.

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When I saw that I didn’t pass, I wasn’t surprised but I was immediately upset, followed by anger, followed by acceptance, but then sadness again. And I’m sure you’ve experienced it, but when you are feeling vulnerable from sadness or anger, you start to reflect on all of your other insecurities.

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I’ve spent the last 24 hours thinking of everything else about myself that is not “good enough.” Unfortunately, a lot of it stems from this blog.

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I am well aware of the image companies like to work with. A 5’6″ size 12 Latina who permanently wears glasses is not ideal for a campaign. I know there are plenty of successful “average-sized” bloggers who wear glasses that are successful in this field, but they are sprinkled among the tall, thin and rich. It’s a good thing that I genuinely enjoy working on this blog.

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I have also stopped writing, which affects me the most. I used to do it nonstop as a kid, always coming up with stories about my dolls, favorite TV shows or book characters, and then more serious fiction in high school and college. But without practice, my writing is stale. Morning Ink was supposed to be my platform where I could share what I like to wear, songs that inspire my writing, stories of all the people I met from online dating among other ideas. Maybe I’ll still do it.

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This is just a brief overview of the doubts I have about myself. They’re insignificant first world problems that I probably won’t care about in a year from now.

Jacket: Target
Top: H&M
Lace tank: American Eagle (similar)
Jeans: Topshop
Flats: Topshop
Ring: Rebecca Minkoff

Alright, enough of that. I’d like to share some of the other things that happened this week. Beginning with my DOG GETTING THE LONGEST BLADE OF GRASS EVER STUCK IN HIS THROAT AND NOSE.

Mind you, this happened on the same day I found out that I hadn’t passed the exam. Wesley was coughing a lot after his afternoon walk with my bf’s mom. He coughs more often now that he’s older, so I didn’t think much of it until he had difficulty eating his food. He couldn’t swallow anything without choking, and he began dry heaving. We rushed him to the vet, and they looked inside his throat and saw a grass tip poking out. Wesley had to be sedated so they could pull it out because it was stuck all the way inside his nose!

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He was totally out of it for the rest of the night, but we found out he had eaten grass during his walk because he had diarrhea, which he involuntarily sprayed on our apartment floor while drugged up on morphine.

But my bf successfully made his first pomelo hat and Wesley was the reluctant model.

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Before this, I celebrated my first Easter in Germany. Did you know that cakes in the shape of a lamb are a thing here?

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Shit is starting to bloom, the birds won’t shut up, the sun is shining a lot more now but my bf and I decided to stay inside and make Bimimbap on Easter Sunday. We went out to dinner with his parents on Monday, and I finally took a photo of a couple of rabbits that roam around near our neighborhood. I explained to them that it was always a treat to see a rabbit in the backyard at my childhood home, so it’s fascinating to me to now live in a place that is swarming with them.

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I’m also on the hunt for a new pair of glasses and sat my unshowered self in front of the computer to virtually try on a few pairs. I like this out-of-my-price-range Ray-Ban pair a lot. Typical.

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I also caught a photo of this stressed out bird hanging out alone on a tree while it rained. I don’t know why it didn’t just fly away and seek better shelter. It just sat there and squawked.

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I can relate.

  • Lydia Sifuentez Moreno

    Just remember, every rose has its thorn. Things will get better.

  • The sting of failure is all too familiar.
    But if we dwell on that, then we would never continue to evolve. Besides, learning another language is difficult. But not impossible, just remember how much you’ve succeeded already! You can do this!

    I hope your dog is back to his normal self. Grass is dangerous. O.o

  • Sahar Gholami

    great post! thanks for sharing!

    xo

    http://www.sahara-desert.com

  • Michelle

    I love this blog and I hope you keep going with it! I too wouldn’t fit a stereotype any retail company would want to work with, so I feel like I can definitely relate there. You’re very brave for moving so far away and German is HARD. You can do this!!