What I like to wear on my apple-shaped blob body

I recently got off my ass and made a YouTube video discussing my apple-shaped figure and shared outfits using items in my wardrobe that I find flattering for my shape:

1. A long white shirt
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I have a long torso, tree stumps for legs and enough hip width to carry quintuplets. This long Zara blouse hangs low in the front and back, but has high side slits which, in my opinion, create the illusion of longer legs when viewed from the side. I like this shirt a lot solely because it conceals my Grand Canyon hips and shows the smallest parts of my legs. My body already looks like a permanent fun house mirror reflection, so why not play up the illusions?

2. A jean jacket
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I immediately bought this jacket when I saw it on Wendy from Wendy’s Lookbook back in like, I don’t know, 2014. I actually just visited her blog to find the picture that inspired me to buy it and LO AND BEHOLD SHE IS WEARING HERS AGAIN IN HER LATEST BLOG POST (April 30). The length of mine hits at the smallest part of my waist, and it pairs with most items in my wardrobe to create an effortless casual look.

3. Statement flats
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These were a recent purchase inspired by, yet again, Wendy. I have been consistently inspired by this woman’s style despite having a completely different frame than her. But she remains one of my favorites because she combines luxury items with affordable pieces, such as these flats. A lot of people may not think a pair of 80 Euro flats are affordable, but they’re quickly paying for themselves. I can wear jeans, a striped tee and these shoes and my outfit looks more interesting than if I had just thrown on simple solid black flats. The patent leather teeters on the edge of looking bondage-y, but I like that? It’s like hey, my feet are into some weird shit man. Plus they distract from my whale hips.

4. Tra tra trench coat
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This trench coat makes me feel like a straight up proper lady. I can belt this bad boy over stained pants and a BABYMETAL t-shirt to walk my dog in the morning and I look like I am on my way to an overpriced brunch date. I specifically wanted a trench with a full skirt to conceal my beer belly and, you know, the military tank I call hips. But I have to be mindful of how tight I tie the belt to avoid back fat spillage. I had to edit out a couple clips from the video because it looked like I was growing an ass on my back. Winter is over, time to start Fitness Blender again…

5. A black midi skirt
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SPECIFICALLY BLACK BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT MAKES IT TIMELESS. Hey! Do you want to wear something that makes it look like you’re about to spin around in a field of tulips? What if that clothing item was also appropriate for work, school, church, a first date, funeral, dancing, and basically just what the fuck ever you want to do? This skirt, man. THIS SKIRT. I bought this on clearance at Banana Republic and it makes me feel so free and pretty. I’ve worn it to my office job AND to the park on the same day, and it was appropriate for both occasions. It moves with the wind but doesn’t fly up and it’s a flattering and comfortable length. No awkward hem pulling required.

6. Black jeans
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Again, color specific, but I’ve learned that they pair with almost anything in my wardrobe, for any season, and for any style. This $17 pair I got at Forever 21 is in constant rotation for me, and satisfy my shifting style. They’re high-waisted, so they help create the illusion of longer, thinner legs. This is ideal for my apple-shaped body since very little about my shape is well-defined. Pair these with black booties and a shirt with a high-low hem and it looks like you have slender tree limb legs. TRUST.

Alright, there’s my bullshit for today. Peace.